Normal Sheeple by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Author:Ross O'Carroll-Kelly [O’Carroll Kelly, Ross]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781844885510
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2021-07-02T00:00:00+00:00

6.

Dingle White Female

‘I’ve decided to stop being a bitch,’ Honor goes.

This is while we’re passing the famous Obama Plaza.

I’m like, ‘Really?’ playing the innocent. ‘That’s, em, certainly a new deporture for you. I kind of like you being a bitch?’

‘Well, I was talking to Erika,’ she goes, ‘and she thinks I should maybe try to be, like, nicer to people?’

‘Random – especially coming from her. She was the biggest bitch in Ireland when we were growing up, and I’m saying that as a compliment.’

‘She says I could have, like, loads of friends if I was, like, kinder? So I’m going to try it for the next three weeks.’

You’re not going to last three weeks in Kerry, I nearly feel like telling her. I’d be stunned if she lasts a full day. Which is why I’ve decided to stay in Dingle tonight – just so I don’t have to drive all the way back down tomorrow to collect her.

‘By the way,’ she goes, ‘what happened to your thumb?’ because she’s obviously copped the plaster on it.

I’m there, ‘Yeah, no, I got bitten by a rat.’

‘A rat?’

‘It’s a long story. I had to go to the SwiftCare in Balally last night for a tetanus shot.’

‘That’s like, Oh! My God!’

‘Yeah, no, it definitely was at the time. Hey, the smell of cow shit, Honor, huh? Of course, that’ll be a thing of the past if your old dear has her way!’

She’s like, ‘I don’t actually mind the smell?’ and all I can do is laugh.

I’m there, ‘That’s because we’re still in technically Tipperary. Wait until we hit actual Kerry. It’ll singe your focking nose hairs – trust me.’

She goes, ‘I know what you’re thinking, Dad.’

And I’m like, ‘Okay, what am I thinking?’

‘That I’m not going to last a day down here? That I’m going to ring you tomorrow morning and tell you I want to go home?’

‘Not true.’

‘So why have you booked yourself into a guesthouse in Dingle?’

‘Er, I haven’t?’

‘Dad, I heard you on the phone. You’ve a lovely voice, Nuala! Yeah, no, I’m a sucker for a girl with a country accent!’

‘That voice you do when you’re impersonating me is pretty cruel, Honor.’

‘I once dated a member of the Mayo women’s football team and another bird who worked in FBD and was originally from Tubbercurry.’

‘Okay, what happened to you being kinder?’

‘We’re not actually there yet?’

‘Fine, I booked myself into Grangetown Manor because I’ve heard good things. And – yeah, no – also in case you change your mind and you want to come home with me.’

‘Dad, I’m not going to change my mind. I don’t want to go back to that focking house.’

Yeah, no, that ends up stinging a bit? But I don’t say anything and we listen to songs from Honor’s iPhone until we’re in pretty much Abbeyfeale, then I go, ‘You are going to miss us, aren’t you?’

And she’s like, ‘I’ll miss the boys. I already miss them?’

‘Seriously, you couldn’t – focking idiot kids.’

‘And I’ll probably miss you. A little bit.

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